Darkness

 

This morning, Jarrod Robinson, the preacher at Southern Hills Church of Christ, spoke from a passage in Mark 5. He spoke about unexpected storms that come upon us in our life.....that throw us into darkness very quickly with very little warning. Jarrod spoke about "life storms" and about the fact that Jesus is the only one that can save us from the "life storms" we are hit with. Jarrod made a statement that just spoke to my heart.....one that I so related to......he said "external struggles always become internal struggles". 

 

There is no way that Jarrod could have known the internal struggles I have been dealing with because of situations and circumstances that were completely out of my control. Jarrod spoke words of comfort to me through God's word that he will never know the impact it had on me.....I literally cried through most of his sermon this morning. I am so thankful that Jarrod allows God to use him to speak truth to people....like me struggling. You see.....God used Jarrod to say things to me that I really, really needed to hear.

Let me explain......

 

I have found myself, over the last 6 to 9 months battling with a situation that I have no control over.....and that isn't going to change. 

 

During this time I have allowed anger, resentment, even hatred to take residence in my heart.....my heart that I gave to God a long time ago. You see, until recently.....the last month or so.....I didn't even know that the Evil One was having a "hay-day" with my heart. I knew that I was struggling and that I was feeling darkness in and around me but I didn't realize the depth of this darkness until about 3-4 days ago.

 

Maybe just a little history might help....less than a month ago I resigned my position with my present employer. I didn't want to do this but felt after a lot of prayer that I needed to remove myself from this situation that isn't going to change and that I had no control over. It was a very difficult decision but one that Ken and I knew needed to be made. We knew this was a huge leap of faith for us....for you see I don't have another job to go to......not yet at least. But even without a new job to go to, I knew I couldn't continue in this situation. Ken was behind me 100%.....and said that we would jump off this cliff together and that he would be beside me wherever I landed. Is Ken not the greatest!!!!

 

It was the first of October when I turned in my resignation. I thought just making that decision would ease some of the feelings that had taken hold of my heart. However, it seemed  they got worse.....I felt more and more darkness and less and less of God's direction and love. 

 

I became so consumed with this hatred, anger and resentment that I looked for ways to get even.....have "my say". I would wake up in the morning angry and just hoping for the chance to speak my mind.....and trust me it would not have been good. One morning Ken said he was going to pray God would shut my mouth as He did to the lions when Daniel was placed in the den. God answered Kens prayers......for no matter how angry I was.....I just kept my door shut for fear of losing control and saying the evil things I was thinking and feeling in my heart.

 

This last week, I told Ken Wednesday night I just don't think I could go into work the next morning.....I just didn't feel strong enough to deal with this situation and I just wanted to stay home. We prayed that night that God would give me peace and a good nights rest.....something that I hadn't been getting which just added to my inner stress.

 

The next morning I didn't go to work.....I used the excuse that I was getting some tests run on my eyes that afternoon and wasn't coming in.....partial truth.....I did have an appointment to have tests run on my eyes.....but I could have worked in the morning. 

 

I felt ashamed for the "half-truth" I told but I was feeling so sad, confused and depressed about the angry words that were going around in my head and in my heart....I knew I had to spend some time with God. I knew that I had to get my eyes focused on God instead of the things that I couldn't change.

 

I not only stayed home on Thursday, but Friday as well. I spent a lot of time in God's word....just randomly opening my bible and asking God to speak to me. I was scared and afraid of the dark feelings I was feeling.....I didn't like this darkness that I had allowed myself to be surrounded in. I cried a lot.....prayed a lot....read God's word a lot. I honestly was scared because before Thursday.....my thoughts were consumed with anger, resentment and hatred for something I had no control over.

 

I NEEDED GOD BACK IN MY HEART AGAIN!!!

 

I knew I couldn't do this by myself but only God could help me walk out of this darkness. So I did the only thing I could think of and that was to stay away from the "situation" and focus solely on God. 

 

I don't share this so people will feel sorry for me or to draw attention to myself.....I share this because I know I am not the only one that struggles with being in darkness.....I am not the only one that struggles with anger, resentment and hatred. 

 

My hope in sharing these things is that I may give hope to those of you that are reading this and are struggling. You see....over the last couple of days I have felt God talk to me....encourage me.....carry me.....give me hope. Hope that I want to pass along to those reading this......those that are struggling as I am struggling.

 

You see, I can't fight the Evil One by myself and neither can you.....God is always there to carry us when we can't walk....He even moves our feet....if we will just stand in the darkness. We just have to stand.....be still.....and ask for God's help.....He ALWAYS has His hand extended....we just have to reach out....even in the darkness!!

 

I found myself surrounded by the darkness of hatred, anger, resentment that I didn't know what else to do but to be still and ask God to come to me.....and Praise God.....He was there the whole time. Just as He is there waiting for others who are struggling in darkness. 

 

God is the only one that can save us and carry us through "life storms". 

 

From my corner of the world.....thankful for men like Jarrod that allows God to use him to speak truth to people in darkness.