It Came Too Fast

If you have read my blog for very long you know that I don't like change. Change is hard for me.....I'm getting better but I still struggle with it. I am okay with the type of change that I know is coming.....I can plan for it.....prepare for it.....and mentally wrap my brain around it. When change comes at me unexpectedly....it's hard, hard for me to make sense of it and to know what God's plan is amongst the sudden change.

I mentioned in my last post that I had resigned from my current work position. I felt called to remove myself from a situation that was not going to change. A situation that I had no control over other than to leave.

I gave a months resignation notice to be affective October 31st. As the  time was drawing near, I felt the need to get my office in order so that whoever replaced me would not come into a mess. I felt I needed to finish projects, get supplies ordered, business cards ordered, make sure all my notes were easy to read and my passwords were written down someplace....I wanted and felt the need to leave things in good shape for the next person. 

Yesterday, my time was cut short....I was told that I was being allowed to use the rest of my PTO time to finish out my time. It was expressed of their concern for me that I hadn't found another job and that they wanted me to use this extra time to be able to look. While I appreciate their concern and the ability to focus fully on my job search.....I wasn't prepared to walk out the door. 

You see.....I still had work to do!!!! 

I didn't have time to get things prepared for my replacement as I had planned.....I didn't get to say good-bye to my coworkers in a way that I wanted....I didn't get to "finish my job" in a manner in which I thought and planned to. 

Through tears I hurriedly packed my office up, loaded my car, and hugged everyone's necks as my time working with them was over.....over sooner than I was mentally ready for. It hurt and I was confused as to the suddenness of my departure. BUT I knew God was working in this and He would use this sudden "change" to make be stronger for Him.

I came home, sat in my recliner and cried a lot....not at the loss of my job...for I planned for that to happen....but for the unfinished things I wanted to do and the sudden goodbyes that I had to say.

I realized in this quiet time, with tears in my eyes, trying to figure out what had just happened......that what happened was a lot like our walk with God.

Let me explain.....

As Christians we know that the Lord will return one day.....in our human mind we think it will be down the road....that we have lots of time to do all the things we want to do for the Lord.....that we have lots of time to prepare our hearts.....to make things right with God. We want to do great things to glorify God and believe that we have time....time to name  Him Lord of our life....time to commit our life to Him.

Yesterday was like a slap in the face....maybe that is why God allowed this to happen. You see friends, God never promised that we would have a week to get out lives in order, to make things right with those we have wronged, to take food to our neighbor that has been home bound for years and you just haven't found the time, to tell those closest to you that don't know Jesus, about His love and what Jesus did for them.

In fact, God tells us He will come like a thief in the night.....there will be no preparation time! We won't have any second chances to make things right! 

Friends, we have to be ready at all times....for God is coming!!

I knew that my last day at my job was coming....just like I know the Lord is coming. I had plans to get things "ready" that I wasn't able to do.....my time was cut short....I had no choice but to be prepared to face leaving.

As Christians....we aren't going to have time to prepare....we have to be ready.....for you see....GOD IS COMING....whether we are ready or not!!!!

Now....today is the time to prepare!

Yesterday, after a good cry.....I felt the need to do something to make myself feel good....to indulge myself....just for me. Well normally I would go buy me a new pair of shoes.....OH YEAH!!!! Love me some shoes!!! 

Since I currently don't have a job, I knew that was not a smart move so I did the next best thing.....went and got me a large Butterfinger blizzard with extra Butterfinger!! IT WAS AMAZING!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

From my corner of the world.....keeping my eyes on God.

Darkness

 

This morning, Jarrod Robinson, the preacher at Southern Hills Church of Christ, spoke from a passage in Mark 5. He spoke about unexpected storms that come upon us in our life.....that throw us into darkness very quickly with very little warning. Jarrod spoke about "life storms" and about the fact that Jesus is the only one that can save us from the "life storms" we are hit with. Jarrod made a statement that just spoke to my heart.....one that I so related to......he said "external struggles always become internal struggles". 

 

There is no way that Jarrod could have known the internal struggles I have been dealing with because of situations and circumstances that were completely out of my control. Jarrod spoke words of comfort to me through God's word that he will never know the impact it had on me.....I literally cried through most of his sermon this morning. I am so thankful that Jarrod allows God to use him to speak truth to people....like me struggling. You see.....God used Jarrod to say things to me that I really, really needed to hear.

Let me explain......

 

I have found myself, over the last 6 to 9 months battling with a situation that I have no control over.....and that isn't going to change. 

 

During this time I have allowed anger, resentment, even hatred to take residence in my heart.....my heart that I gave to God a long time ago. You see, until recently.....the last month or so.....I didn't even know that the Evil One was having a "hay-day" with my heart. I knew that I was struggling and that I was feeling darkness in and around me but I didn't realize the depth of this darkness until about 3-4 days ago.

 

Maybe just a little history might help....less than a month ago I resigned my position with my present employer. I didn't want to do this but felt after a lot of prayer that I needed to remove myself from this situation that isn't going to change and that I had no control over. It was a very difficult decision but one that Ken and I knew needed to be made. We knew this was a huge leap of faith for us....for you see I don't have another job to go to......not yet at least. But even without a new job to go to, I knew I couldn't continue in this situation. Ken was behind me 100%.....and said that we would jump off this cliff together and that he would be beside me wherever I landed. Is Ken not the greatest!!!!

 

It was the first of October when I turned in my resignation. I thought just making that decision would ease some of the feelings that had taken hold of my heart. However, it seemed  they got worse.....I felt more and more darkness and less and less of God's direction and love. 

 

I became so consumed with this hatred, anger and resentment that I looked for ways to get even.....have "my say". I would wake up in the morning angry and just hoping for the chance to speak my mind.....and trust me it would not have been good. One morning Ken said he was going to pray God would shut my mouth as He did to the lions when Daniel was placed in the den. God answered Kens prayers......for no matter how angry I was.....I just kept my door shut for fear of losing control and saying the evil things I was thinking and feeling in my heart.

 

This last week, I told Ken Wednesday night I just don't think I could go into work the next morning.....I just didn't feel strong enough to deal with this situation and I just wanted to stay home. We prayed that night that God would give me peace and a good nights rest.....something that I hadn't been getting which just added to my inner stress.

 

The next morning I didn't go to work.....I used the excuse that I was getting some tests run on my eyes that afternoon and wasn't coming in.....partial truth.....I did have an appointment to have tests run on my eyes.....but I could have worked in the morning. 

 

I felt ashamed for the "half-truth" I told but I was feeling so sad, confused and depressed about the angry words that were going around in my head and in my heart....I knew I had to spend some time with God. I knew that I had to get my eyes focused on God instead of the things that I couldn't change.

 

I not only stayed home on Thursday, but Friday as well. I spent a lot of time in God's word....just randomly opening my bible and asking God to speak to me. I was scared and afraid of the dark feelings I was feeling.....I didn't like this darkness that I had allowed myself to be surrounded in. I cried a lot.....prayed a lot....read God's word a lot. I honestly was scared because before Thursday.....my thoughts were consumed with anger, resentment and hatred for something I had no control over.

 

I NEEDED GOD BACK IN MY HEART AGAIN!!!

 

I knew I couldn't do this by myself but only God could help me walk out of this darkness. So I did the only thing I could think of and that was to stay away from the "situation" and focus solely on God. 

 

I don't share this so people will feel sorry for me or to draw attention to myself.....I share this because I know I am not the only one that struggles with being in darkness.....I am not the only one that struggles with anger, resentment and hatred. 

 

My hope in sharing these things is that I may give hope to those of you that are reading this and are struggling. You see....over the last couple of days I have felt God talk to me....encourage me.....carry me.....give me hope. Hope that I want to pass along to those reading this......those that are struggling as I am struggling.

 

You see, I can't fight the Evil One by myself and neither can you.....God is always there to carry us when we can't walk....He even moves our feet....if we will just stand in the darkness. We just have to stand.....be still.....and ask for God's help.....He ALWAYS has His hand extended....we just have to reach out....even in the darkness!!

 

I found myself surrounded by the darkness of hatred, anger, resentment that I didn't know what else to do but to be still and ask God to come to me.....and Praise God.....He was there the whole time. Just as He is there waiting for others who are struggling in darkness. 

 

God is the only one that can save us and carry us through "life storms". 

 

From my corner of the world.....thankful for men like Jarrod that allows God to use him to speak truth to people in darkness.

MOVED IN A BIG WAY

I just need to share this morning and well this was a good place to do it....and it's my blog! HeHeHe!!!!

My plan was to do my walking/training this morning at Redbud park after I watched Kamryn, my oldest granddaughter play volleyball at the rec center. By the way.....Kamryn made the winning serve!!!!! Just a little proud!!!!

Anyway after the game I moved my car to my usual parking place along the 1.5 mile trail. My goal was to walk 3 laps equaling 4.5 miles. It became very clear to me about half way through my first lap that I would be lucky to make one lap....

You see, this week has been an extremely hard week for me....I have struggled emotionally, mentally and most of all spiritually. Ken and I have felt God lead us to a decision that we.....or I should say "I" have been struggling with....which of course affects Ken. It has been a very difficult decision because of the emotions I have vested. 

I just need to insert here that Ken is an amazing husband and man of God. Nearly every night this week I have lain in his arms and cried.....leaving his shoulders drenched wet....a couple of times I had cried myself to sleep on his shoulder. He would gently roll me over, wrap his arm around me and I never new it until the next morning. I AM TRULY BLESSED BY THIS SWEET MAN!!!

I have struggled with God over this for the past 6-9 months.....questioning Him....pleading with him.....laying this burden at His feet only to pick it back up and try to come up with a solution on my own....only to fail miserably!!

As I began to struggle to make the first lap this morning on my walk, I began to pray.....one of the things I do and benefit the most from walking regularly!! But this time it was different....I turned off my music...pulled out my ear buds and just let it all out....

I  began to name off every burden that I was carrying....all the doubts, fears, the anxiety, the insecurity.....EVERYTHING....that I have been struggling with over the last 6 months. I must have been praying out loud for I began to notice the odd looks from others as I passed them.

At one point I reached up to wipe away what I thought was sweat only to realize I was crying.....I also realized not only had I made it one lap but was well on my way into my second lap. What I realized was that as I began to release my burdens to God one by one.....He was lifting them off my shoulders....one by one. I was being freed of my burdens as God began to give me the strength to take more and more steps on my walk. Not only for my physical walk around the park.....but also for my spiritual walk here on earth.

I immediately looked to the skies and I felt God....yes I FELT GOD'S PRESENCE!!! I smiled and I knew God was smiling down on me at that moment.

I can't put into words how this felt and the amazing feeling it was to realize.....again....that God is always willing to carrying my suitcase full of my burdens....each and every time I lay them at His feet. One of my hardest lessons to learn!!!! God is still teaching me to trust Him!

I made it 2 laps....3.5 miles....only with the help of God. You see....when I started out I felt I would be lucky to make one lap struggling to put one foot in front of the other.....along the way as I began to talk with God and release my burdens did my walk get easier and I got stronger.

From my corner of the world.....thanking God for showing up in a big way this morning!!!!!