HOPE

 

On Thursday night I received two Facebook messages from a very special lady, an Elder's wife where Ken and I attend. The first one said that she was praying for me and Ken as we wait for the results of Ken's scans. She sent the second one a few minutes later that said "how are you holding up?" I didn't answer until the next day because I felt a little ashamed of how I was feeling.

 

My reply the next morning was...."I am struggling with the "what ifs" and afraid to hope too much preparing myself for the worst!! I think this comes from all that I've been through in the past and it's sort of my way of protecting myself...". It's true.....for many years when storms come in my life.....I prepare myself for the worst fearing to hope for the best. I have been disappointed too many times to freely open my heart to the hope that I need to have....

Her reply to my answer was...."I don't know why God lets us have such pain in this ole world ..... but I do KNOW He gave us a sign of hope way bigger than the size of our pain. Even in the largest of pain! The loss of your parents you always held onto the biggest sign of HOPE ever. The Promise & HOPE of JESUS....." WOW She spoke directly to my heart.

 

On a side note.....I love how this precious woman of God was able to mentor to me, comfort me, and remind me of the hope that I have through the love of Jesus.....all through Facebook.....social media!!! Thank you Teanie!!!

 

I thought a lot about the hope that Teanie was talking about over the next several days.....the hope that comes from surrendering to God and His gift of Jesus! Yes I am afraid to hope that Ken's "C" has not spread.....afraid to hope for the fear of not being prepared for the worst. You see, I have seen some of the worst that this world has to offer and my heart has been broke and left empty. I am not sure that I can go through another storm and take the chance on my heart being hurt more.....

 

I have prayed a lot about this conversation that we had and how wrong I am to protect myself from the storms that are ahead......I realized it isn't my job to protect myself.....My job is to put my hope in God and He will protect me and my heart. My strength will come by putting my hope in Jesus....not in preparing for the worst. 

 

I have to let go of this protection I have built up around my heart......keeping the hope out is a way of protecting myself. By placing my hope in my Jesus, He will protect me and my heart. I realized that without hope being in Jesus.....I have nothing!!!

 

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31 

 

I NEED to place my hope in Jesus for He will give me the strength to ride out this storm.....good or bad.....and place my faith in Him and not in myself.....Hope in Jesus is where my strength comes from.

I want to change directions a little here......

 

I want to share some of the love that we have been shown over that last couple of days while we wait for the results of Ken's scans.

 

We have been overwhelmed by all of the people that have been praying for Ken and myself. We have truly felt those prayers and the Peace of God. We have received cards from people that love us and have walked the "C" path and can now minister to us as we face the unknown. 

 

This morning Ken and I met with some of our Elders and their wives to share where we are with Ken's "C" and what our greatest prayer requests are. Ken and I were both a little anxious about meeting with them.....not out of fear but because we do not like to be the center of attention and like to remain in the background....we much prefer serving as to being served. 

 

As we walked into the room we immediately felt at ease and felt loved my each and everyone there. They asked Ken to share a little bit of what was going on and what specific things that we needed to be praying for. After Ken was finished.....we sat in two chairs in the middle of the room and the Elders and their wives surrounded us......and one of the Elders led us in a prayer. Ken and I have never felt God's presence more than in that room. We both feel that God used this men and their wives to bless us and to love on us. It is very humbling to be loved so much.

 

I just have to say here that the men and their wives that serve as Elders at Southern Hills C of C are some of the most amazing men that truly love the Lord and those they are shepherding. Ken and I were extremely blessed this morning by their love. Thank you Lord for the servant hearts of these men!!!!!

 

Well, tomorrow at 4:00 pm Ken and I will meet with his doctor to get the results of the bone scan and the CT scan. Even with all the "what ifs" and the fears we have Ken and I both have a certain peace that we know God has given us.....letting us know HE HAS THIS and we don't have to do anything but lay this "C" at His feet and KNOW that Ken is in good hands. 

 

We ask that you pray with us that the "C" is contained only in Ken's prostate.....that surgery will be able to remove it all and Ken won't have to have Chemo. But most of all we pray that Ken and I will remain faithful to God and we will use this storm to glorify Him!!!

 

From my corner of the world.....placing my HOPE in Jesus!! 

 

 

 

 

THREE LITTLE WORDS

 

Over the years, I have had some major life changing events.....and when I say life changing, I mean completely shattered my world as I knew it! Through each......God ALWAYS carried me through and helped me to see His glory! 

 

As I have looked back I realized that each time my life took a different turn, it began with three little words:

 

I got a call from my sister in December, 1990....the first words out of her mouth were...."THEY ARE GONE"....."Mom and Dad are dead"......life changing words!!

 

In March, 2005 I heard the words....."I AM LEAVING"......"I don't love you enough to stay".......life changing words!!

 

On December 18th Ken sat me down and said "I HAVE CANCER"......"9 out of the 13 biopsy's came back cancerous".....life changing words!!!

 

Once again my world has shifted.....not sure how but from this point forward, our lives (Ken and myself) will be different. Anytime the "C" word is used....it is life changing and SCARY!!!!

 

Over the last couple of weeks, Ken and I have felt every emotion imaginable.....anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, blessed, scared, worried, loved.....you name it we have felt it. We have tried so hard to keep busy and keep our minds on God and His will but we both feel Satan pulling us into the darkness that the "C" word can cause.

 

One of the beauties of our relationship is that we share everything, all our feelings....good and bad. As we both began to have these different thoughts and feelings we began to share them with each other. Both of us experiencing some of the same thoughts. These feelings and thoughts have caused us to have some very serious and lengthy conversations. Conversations we were not.....and are not....ready to have.

 

We have talked about the fact that this "C" may be other places in his body. If so, how this will change our lives.....how we will deal with this, face on with God's hand leading us. We have talked about the possibility of having to go to Houston, perhaps having to go through Chemo. We have talked about life after Ken's surgery and how different our life may be.

 

We have talked about what my life would look like if God calls Ken home. We have talked about our finances and keeping things in order if I am faced with this. We have talked about how blessed we are that all but one of our kids lives close and will be there to help and how blessed we are that our youngest is only 3 hours away and not across the country.

I have tried so hard to keep from "spinning" with the "what ifs".....but sometimes my brain just goes there and I can't seem to stop thinking about all the things Ken and I are about to face. It seems that the more I try not to think about the fear of losing Ken....the greater my fears get. It helps that Ken and I can come together at night, before bed, and talk about our day....our thoughts....how we are doing with the "C" hanging over our heads....expressing our feelings aloud to each other.....then asking God to take these fears away and replacing them with a deeper faith in Him.

You see, I realized that if I do not talk about these things, my fears and worries will sit in a corner of my heart and fester.....grow.....and consume me to the point that I can't see God at all. When I allow Satan to fill my head and my heart with fear and the "what ifs", there is no room for the peace that only God can give me. There is no room for my faith to grow as God calls me to trust in Him and keep my eyes on Him.

By voicing my fears, worries, and anxiety I am able to get them out in the open.....talk about them.....pray about them, and then lay them at the cross. If I keep all of this inside for fear of seeming weak, Satan has won because my fear becomes greater than my faith!! I can not let this happen!!!!!

 

God has carried me through two life changing events and I know that He will see me and Ken through this as well. For you see, when our world is the darkest.....God's light shines the brightest! I have found that when the storms in my life are to great for me to stay afloat.....God reaches down, grabs me by my hand and tells me to hold on and look at Him.....He will calm my storm!! 

 

God will give Ken and I the peace we need to walk this "C" road we have found ourselves on. We don't know what the road ahead looks like but what we do know is that God will bring us through and we will be in His presence.....whether here on earth or seated at God's feet....either way we win!!!!

As the new year begins, Ken and I count our blessings, express our fears and worries, feel God's presence and rest in knowing that God loves us and is in control!!!

From my corner of the world.....blessings and Happy New Year!!