I’m Done
PSA #2: Fair warning....this post has been really hard for me to write, to admit, and to publish for others to see. I’ve prayed about whether to put this out there or not and I am fairly sure that I am going to offend someone by my words, make someone angry or even hurt someone’s feelings. I apologize now.....I in no way would ever intend to purposely do any of these. I have learned through the hard/dark times in my life that voicing my feelings helps me.....I’m sorry if I offend anyone!!!
So here goes.......
I AM DONE.....OVER IT.....I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT......AND I DON’T NECESSARILY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
Since March I have ran a gamete of emotions, all of which I am not proud of! I have lost sleep, had to amp up my anxiety meds, cried more times than I want to admit, yelled at anyone and everyone, my blood pressure has been off the charts....and I take regular meds for this. I have been so angry that I literally see RED and have been so fearful at times it paralyzes me.
It feels as if COVID-19 has taken over every aspect of my life and basically paralyzed me. Maybe I have just allowed it to affect me that way...probably more the case.
I am angry about the businesses being shut down, services no longer available. I am angry the inconvenience this has caused me. I am angry I am being told where I can go and when I can go.
As more and more restrictions were made and “Shelter in Place” orders were enforced.....I became jealous and envious of those being “forced” to stay at home. You see Ken and I both work for businesses that are “Essential”!!! While everyone stayed in and stayed safe....Ken and I continued to go to work every day. We did not have the choice to “shelter in place”.
As time went on and it became evident that this was not going to pass any time real soon, people began to complain about having to stay at home. I heard complaints about being stuck in the house. Complaints about having nothing to do, after they had cleaned out all their closets, cleaned everything from ceiling to floors....the complaints went on and on.
I am ashamed to admit that hearing everyone complaining just angered me even more. Here I was having to go to work every day, being exposed to the dreaded COVID-19 and would have loved to be at home, not having to be out everyday!!!
As more and more people began to complain about being at home....I was filled with fear that I was going to contract the dreaded virus. I couldn’t sleep at night for fear that I was going to come in contact with someone infected....and the more complaining I heard the more fearful I became.
It seems that all anyone is talking about is COVID-19 !!! I hear it at work constantly, it is the only thing customers want to talk a about. It’s all over TV, any and every form of Social Media, every news program, all over the front pages of newspapers, there is no escaping it!! Everyday county/state stats are released, graphs are updated, numbers are sorted and categorized. We basically have access to the age groups with the highest cases, the ethnicity of the those infected, how cases are being exposed, the symptoms being experienced by percent rates, you name it we have access to all things COVID-19.
I am so tired of hearing people pointing fingers, laying blame....China’s is to blame, the Republican’s are to blame, the Democrats caused it, President Trump is to blame, if certain groups would just wear masks the numbers wouldn’t be going up, if certain age groups would would just practice the required social distancing.....it just goes on an on!!
The worst part about all this....I have voiced these same things at one time or another out of my anger over the whole situation. Shame on me for being so hypocritical!!!
As I said at the beginning, I apologize again if I have stepped on any toes, hurt someone’s feelings or angered you in any way....Not my intentions at all!!
For you see, I have come to a point in all of this that I realize I have allowed COVID-19 to control me, my emotions, my attitude, my actions, my thoughts....everything. I realize I can’t keep doing this.....something has to change and the change has to come from me. I can’t control COVID-19 or how it is affecting my world BUT I can control me and my reaction to it.
I know that I can’t be the only one having these feelings and emotions....if you have felt any of what I have felt or am feeling, rest assured we are not alone.
Last week as numbers began to rise again, I realized I can’t continue on this path. With an average of 3-4 hours of sleep each night, once again allowing my anger and fear to consume me. I began to seek God in the middle of the night when my mind was racing.....shame on me for waiting so long to seek Him out!!!
If you have read to this point, thank you for hanging in there as I rant and rave. Please know that I do have some positive things to say and not all my thoughts are negative!! LOL
There is a part 2 to this post, and it’s been written and will be published in the next couple of days, just too
much info running through my head and on my heart to share in one sitting.
From my corner of the world.....I’M DONE!!!
