MY FAITH OR MY FEARS

PSA.....this has been another hard post to write, I’m not going to lie and say that I am living the words below. It’s a struggle every day to choose my faith over my fears. To say no to what the world is saying about COVID and say yes the what the Lord tells/promises me. I hope that my struggles and what I am learning may help someone somewhere. Also, I now that this is long and I’m sorry, just have a lot on my heart.

PSA #2.....please try to overlook my grammar and “correct” English.....I’m just talking from my heart!

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in the dark in my recliner with my eyes closed in the middle of the night waiting for sleep to come when I asked myself....”why am I so afraid of getting COVID? What is it about it that makes me so fearful?” I really didn’t have an answer then but I did think about it over the next several days. “Why was I letting this pandemic scare me so bad?” I tried to see myself with COVID and what I would do if I contracted it....what it would look like for me.  I would have to stay quarantined for 14 days, no work or contact with any friends or family....I might like that....I do have enough fabric to keep be busy for way more than 14 days. LOL I could possible have to be admitted to the hospital for treatment....that would not be fun but I do know that our hospitals in Abilene are prepared to treat me if that is the case. 

Then I thought....worst case scenario.....I can’t get over the virus and my life is cut short. Would that be so bad? I thought about this and decided if that were the worst that happened to me.....I would win!!! You see to leave this world would be to gain my forever home with Jesus. I would no longer have to live on this earth, in these hard times....I would be sitting at the feet of Jesus. I realized that there is nothing for me to fear from COVID.....

As a Christian I know where my eternal home is....I know that the Lord is preparing a home for me, just waiting for me to join him. I began to realize that I am reacting to COVID, not as a believer but as an unbeliever. People of this world, those that don’t know Christ don’t have the assurance of a home with Him forever. When I react to the things of this world....COVID....with fear.....I am reacting as an unbeliever....not as a child of God. This realization hit me really hard.....God tells us we are to be in the world but are not to be apart of the world. How can nonbelievers see Christ in me when my fears of this world are greater than my faith?? OUCH.....stepped on my own toes there.....I am so weak!!

Another area that I have struggled with during all things COVID is the feeling of being “paralyzed”.....like my life has been put on hold......we are in a state of waiting. Does anyone else feel this way? I mean for a time there, we were encouraged to stay inside, shelter-in-place, don’t go anywhere unnecessarily or if you do have to get out only go to get food or essentials. I feel like I am just in waiting mode...I’m not sure what I’m waiting for but....just in waiting mode. 

Part of this is because of the “orders” that our government has put on us to help stop the spread of COVID. I understand these and honor them. However, I began to find myself putting my faith on hold, my Christian walk at a standstill. I realized that I was living my faith less and less, blending in with the world and all the chaos around COVID. 

Again, one night when I was wide awake......I find that God likes to talk to me in the dark in the middle of the night....I realized that just because I am having to deal with all things COVID didn’t give me the excuse not to be Jesus to those around me. An eye-opener for me....there are still lost souls in the world....there are still people that don’t know Jesus.....there are still people that are hurting and alone....maybe even more so now. 

As Christians, we can’t be frozen by the things of this world, COVID, waiting till “this time” passes to be Jesus to those around us. I believe that it is these hard times that the people around us need to see “Jesus” in us more than ever.....the people in my corner of the world were/are not seeing Jesus in me or my actions.....I am just as afraid as the world is.

Just because the world has been hit with COVID doesn’t give me an excuse to sit and wait till it passes or gets under control for me pick up my cross again....I should have never laid it on the shelf in the first place....and allowed my fear to be greater than my faith. I am so ashamed. 

I don’t want to get to heaven and be standing in front of my Lord, with my page in the book of life open before Him and have this conversation:

God: Carla I notice you experienced great fear and doubt this year.

Me: What year is that Father?

God: Looks like the year 2020. Why were you so afraid?

Me: Father, don’t you remember, that was the year of COVID....the whole world was afraid.

God: My dear child, I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love. I told you I would never leave you or forsake you.

I cannot let my fears be so great that I lose sight of my purpose in life....to be a light in this dark world....to be Jesus to those around me. We, as Christians, can’t stop doing His work, stop going to Church, stop reaching out to those that don’t know Jesus, just because we are afraid of COVID or anything else of this world. My faith has to be greater!!!

Yes times are different, being Jesus to our neighbor isn’t as easy as it was before the pandemic, but we can’t let that stop us. We have to seek new ways, create different, safer opportunities....and I am going to be bold enough to say....maybe even if we aren’t particularly safe.....we have to reach out anyway and let our faith be greater than our fear!! I don’t know what this looks like in your corner of the world, I don’t really know what it looks like in my corner of the world, but I know that we can’t wait until COVID is over and we feel safe.....we have to act now, even in the dark!!

In one of Max Lucado’s books that I have read over the years he makes this statement:

     Feed your faith and your fears will starve, feed your fears and your faith will starve.

I have been feeding my fears....that has to stop.....I need to feed my faith by being in God’s word, turning off the TV, radio, social media and whatever else I’ve been listening to and keep my eyes and ears focused on God and what He is doing around me in my corner of the world. It’s time to turn off the world around me and focus on Jesus and His promises to me!!

From my corner of the world.....choosing my faith over my fears.

I’M DONE WITH COVID19

I’m Done

PSA:  Yes I have a Blog....not very faithful or consistent with my writing and it’s been since 2016 that I last published a post. I have written on and off since my last public post choosing not to go public....mainly written as a personal journal of sorts. I am not a professional writer or an English Teacher so my grammar may be incorrect and you may see a few misspelled words!! Feel free to go back and read my old posts.....I try really hard to be as honest and transparent as I can on here.

PSA #2:  Fair warning....this post has been really hard for me to write, to admit, and to publish for others to see. I’ve prayed about whether to put this out there or not and I am fairly sure that I am going to offend someone by my words, make someone angry or even hurt someone’s feelings. I apologize now.....I in no way would ever intend to purposely do any of these. I have learned through the hard/dark times in my life that voicing my feelings helps me.....I’m sorry if I offend anyone!!! 

So here goes.......

I AM DONE.....OVER IT.....I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT......AND I DON’T NECESSARILY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

Since March I have ran a gamete of emotions, all of which I am not proud of! I have lost sleep, had to amp up my anxiety meds, cried more times than I want to admit, yelled at anyone and everyone, my blood pressure has been off the charts....and I take regular meds for this. I have been so angry that I literally see RED and have been so fearful at times it paralyzes me.

It feels as if COVID-19 has taken over every aspect of my life and basically paralyzed me. Maybe I have just allowed it to affect me that way...probably more the case. 

I am angry about the businesses being shut down, services no longer available. I am angry the inconvenience this has caused me. I am angry I am being told where I can go and when I can go. 

As more and more restrictions were made and “Shelter in Place” orders were enforced.....I became jealous and envious of those being “forced” to stay at home. You see Ken and I both work for businesses that are “Essential”!!! While everyone stayed in and stayed safe....Ken and I continued to go to work every day. We did not have the choice to “shelter in place”. 

As time went on and it became evident that this was not going to pass any time real soon, people began to complain about having to stay at home. I heard complaints about being stuck in the house. Complaints about having nothing to do, after they had cleaned out all their closets, cleaned everything from ceiling to floors....the complaints went on and on. 

I am ashamed to admit that hearing everyone complaining just angered me even more. Here I was having to go to work every day, being exposed to the dreaded COVID-19 and would have loved to be at home, not having to be out everyday!!!

As more and more people began to complain about being at home....I was filled with fear that I was going to contract the dreaded virus. I couldn’t sleep at night for fear that I was going to come in contact with someone infected....and the more complaining I heard the more fearful I became. 

It seems that all anyone is talking about is COVID-19 !!! I hear it at work constantly, it is the only thing customers want to talk a about. It’s all over TV, any and every form of Social Media, every news program, all over the front pages of newspapers, there is no escaping it!! Everyday county/state stats are released, graphs are updated, numbers are sorted and categorized. We basically have access to the age groups with the highest cases, the ethnicity of the those infected, how cases are being exposed, the symptoms being experienced by percent rates, you name it we have access to all things COVID-19.

I am so tired of hearing people pointing fingers, laying blame....China’s is to blame, the Republican’s are to blame, the Democrats caused it, President Trump is to blame, if certain groups would just wear masks the numbers wouldn’t be going up, if certain age groups would would just practice the required social distancing.....it just goes on an on!!

The worst part about all this....I have voiced these same things at one time or another out of my anger over the whole situation. Shame on me for being so hypocritical!!!

As I said at the beginning, I apologize again if I have stepped on any toes, hurt someone’s feelings or angered you in any way....Not my intentions at all!!

For you see, I have come to a point in all of this that I realize I have allowed COVID-19 to control me, my emotions, my attitude, my actions, my thoughts....everything. I realize I can’t keep doing this.....something has to change and the change has to come from me. I can’t control COVID-19 or how it is affecting my world BUT I can control me and my reaction to it. 

I know that I can’t be the only one having these feelings and emotions....if you have felt any of what I have felt or am feeling, rest assured we are not alone.

Last week as numbers began to rise again, I realized I can’t continue on this path. With an average of 3-4 hours of sleep each night, once again allowing my anger and fear to consume me. I began to seek God in the middle of the night when my mind was racing.....shame on me for waiting so long to seek Him out!!!

If you have read to this point, thank you for hanging in there as I rant and rave. Please know that I do have some positive things to say and not all my thoughts are negative!! LOL

There is a part 2 to this post, and it’s been written and will be published in the next couple of days, just too 

much info running through my head and on my heart to share in one sitting.

From my corner of the world.....I’M DONE!!!